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Author: NewrySpud

Camlough Residents Somehow Shocked Chinese Whose Curry Could Hang Wallpaper Given Low Hygiene Rating

22nd March 2019

Camlough residents have reacted furiously with news that the local Chinese take-away that has become an institution in the village has only received a one point rating by The Food Standards Agency. This despite the fact that you could hand wallpaper with the fucking curry they produce to customers and have a generally gross output. […]

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Independent Council Hopeful To ‘Make Newry Great Again’

21st March 2019

A local Council hopeful in the forthcoming local elections has launched a Donald Trump type campaign to ‘Make Newry Great Again’ we can reveal. Gavin Malone who will stand as an independent candidate has already made his ‘Make Newry Great Again’ hats in the style of President Trump’s Make America Great hats. We spoke with […]

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Jesus Appears To Protesters Outside Newry Town Hall

14th March 2019

Jesus Christ Our Lord & Saviour himself has appeared outside Newry Town Hall this evening with a message to a gathered crowd who are protesting the showing of the stage play ‘Jesus Christ Superstar’ we can reveal. Jesus came down from the heavens in what one onlooker said was a ‘majestic’ sight. Jesus told the […]

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Derrybeg Woman Does Dishes As Facebook Goes Down

13th March 2019

A Derrybeg woman has done the dishes for the first time in 3 months as Facebook experienced problems this evening we can reveal. In a most unusual move the woman actually removed herself from the couch and put her phone down to tackle the mountain of dishes that have gathered. The woman told us: “I […]

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‘Border Bargains’ Smugglers Caught By Customs With Fegs Today

13th March 2019

A well known smuggler from Newry has been caught by HM Customs with a ‘substantial’ amount of cigarettes we can reveal. Martin O’Hanlon the CEO and founder of ‘Border Bargains’ was caught this morning along with his brother Bag Head during a routine customs check. We spoke with Taxi Jo who asked not to be […]

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Shock As Terry Hearty Posts Photo Not Standing Beside Dumped Rubbish

12th March 2019

Shock-waves have spread throughout the Newry, Mourne and south Armagh district as Sinn Féin Councillor Terry Hearty posted a photo of him NOT standing beside dumped rubbish. Hearty known for his hard work within the community has a penchant for photographs of discarded rubbish in the south Armagh hills. The Councillor told Newry Spud: “This […]

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Newry AFC Launch Women’s Lingerie Team ‘Newry Bouncers’

12th March 2019

Newry AFC will start their first women’s lingerie league in next month the IFA has announced. The team will play in the league with other scantily clad chicks and will be known as the ‘Newry City Bouncers’. The ‘Bouncers’ will kick off their league campaign at Newry’s Showground’s against the Ballymena Bears in April. There […]

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Dundalk ISIS Woman To Open AbraKebabra In Syria

10th March 2019

A Dundalk woman who left Ireland to join ISIS in Syria has said she will open a branch of AbraKebabra in the capital city of Damascus we can reveal. Lisa Smyth a former Private in the Irish Defence Forces left Dundalk after becoming radicalised in the faith of Islam. We spoke with Lisa who told […]

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Joy As Toothpaste To Arrive In Mullaghbawn For First Time

10th March 2019

The simpletons of Mullaghbawn are in high spirits today with news that toothpaste is to be delivered to the village tomorrow for the first time we can reveal. The Mullaghbawn Today’s Local shop has confirmed to Newry Spud that they have accepted an initial order of 6 tubes of toothpaste to see if anyone in […]

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Weirdo Goes To Bernish Viewpoint Solely For Countryside View

4th March 2019

A local man has been branded as an absolute weirdo after visiting The Bernish Viewpoint solely for the beautiful countryside we can reveal. The man who as far as we know has no known mental condition is said to be ‘shocked and surprised’ at the attention his visit to the well known dogging spot has […]

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