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Joy & Shock As Traces Of Water Found In Newry Canal

After years of industrial and agricultural toxins along with shopping trolleys being dumped in the Newry Canal the Northern Ireland Environment Agency released encouraging test results this week indicating that the Newry Canal is once again showing trace levels of water.

Sources say the dilution of the toxins was aided by plentiful pre-existing river pollutants including raw sewage, bacteria, pesticides, atrazine, benzene, mercury, phosphorous, and ethanol.

Health officials say the river environment should be able to adapt to the trace levels of water without disrupting the delicate balance of river contaminants.

Officials say the canal should return to its most healthy state during the summer when careless recreational drinkers, fishing enthusiasts and tramps begin spilling beer and pissing into the river.