Parents Across Newry Plan Orgies As Kids Go Back To School

Parents all over Newry are planning on holding wild naked house parties tonight to celebrate the fact that their kids are going back to school tomorrow.

Newry PSNI has been put on standby to deal with the carnage of deliriously happy parents.

We spoke to some excited patents who told Newry Spud:

“I CANNOT wait baah. My kid’s been a right little bollox this past few weeks. I’ve been ticking the days off my Nathan Carter calendar one by one and the day is nearly here!

Once I’ve dropped him off at the school gates, I’m going to take off all my clothes and run naked down Monaghan Street to celebrate.”

Mother-of-four, Sheila Fatspatrick said:

“I’ve managed to get through this week via Class A drugs and heavy sedation. Once the kids have gone back, it’ll be like taking a shite after being constipated for a week. It’s been a living hell.”