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Month: October 2017

SDLP Councillor Says ‘Fuck It’ Joins Hells Angels

14th October 2017

Mourne’s SDLP Councillor Brian Quinn has said ‘Fuck politics’ and has packed up and moved to the USA to join a faction of the Hells Angels motorcycle club we can reveal. Councillor Quinn known for his love of motorcycles and his hate of a barber’s chair made the life changing decision last week while listening […]

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Newry Woman ‘Convinced’ She’ll ‘Turn’ Gay Male Friend

14th October 2017

A Newry woman is ‘absolutely convinced’ she will one day ‘turn’ her gay man friend she has said. The 27 year-old woman who tragically hangs on to the hope that she will turn the very obviously gay man and marry him one day. The woman told Newry Spud: “I know in my heart that one […]

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B.R.Y To Reform After Mujahideen Resurfaces In Newry

13th October 2017

The news that we broke earlier in the week that there was a new Mujahideen in the Derrybeg, Parkhead and Barcroft areas has prompted another old quasi-military faction to spring into action. The B.R.Y (Barcroft Republican Youth) have spoken out about counteracting the Mujahideen faction. Veteran B.R.Y leader Lee Kelly told Newry Spud: “I have […]

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Woman Seeks Therapy After Developing Crush On Willie Clarke

13th October 2017

A Newry woman has sought the help of a professional psychiatrist after admitting to her husband that she has a ‘sudden and lingering’ attraction to Sinn Féin’s Willie Clarke we can reveal. The 31 year-old woman who obviously wishes to remain anonymous due to the massive embarrassment this has caused her spoke with Newry Spud […]

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Newry Leisure Centre To Only Allow ‘Good Looking’ People In

13th October 2017

A controversial new rule brought in by Newry, Mourne & Down District Council has left some gym and swimming pool goers feeling angry we can reveal. From next week the Newry Leisure Centre will only be open to ‘Good looking individuals’ causing many to wonder will they ‘meet the criteria.’ We spoke with two gym […]

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Newry Woman Discovers Husband’s Tunnel From Bedroom To Pub

12th October 2017

A Newry woman has told Newry Spud about a most ‘horrible plan’ her husband was caught trying to carry out and has warned other women to ‘be aware’ of the dangers of ‘tunnelling’ we can reveal. The woman who wishes to remain anonymous told us she discovered her husband had dug a 2 and a […]

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Newry DJ Cancels Massive Gig After He Loses USB Stick

12th October 2017

A Newry DJ has spoken out about having to cancel a gig for tomorrow night as he can’t find his USB storage device we can reveal. Caolan Savage or ‘DJ SA VO’ as he’s better known by the 4 members of his adoring fan club has misplaced his ‘essential’ USB storage device that houses all […]

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Every Single Resident Of Damolly To Appear On ‘The Undateables’

10th October 2017

The entire single population of Damolly are to appear on the popular Channel 4 programme ‘The Undateables’ we can reveal. The much loved programme follows single people who have a disability or condition and who cannot find the love of their life as they go on dates with other aspiring daters. Channel 4 insiders told […]

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South Armagh Woman’s Engagement Ring From A Kinder Egg

10th October 2017

A Newtownhamilton woman has spoke about her recent engagement to a local farmer. Grainne Garvey who got engaged to Clady muck savage Kevin O’Hare on Saturday said although she loves her new ring it’s clearly out of a Kinder Surprise Egg. Ms Garvey who works in Snaubs told us: “Ach, I don’t care that the […]

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Newry Youths Launch New Mujahideen

10th October 2017

The youth of Derrybeg, Parkhead and Barcroft have come together to organise a community watch scheme we can reveal. From tonight onwards they will patrol the district to ensure all laws and regulations are being adhered to. Calling themselves ‘Mujahideen The Second Coming’ or MSC for short they sat down to tell Newry Spud: “We’ve […]

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