Month: October 2017

SHOCK As Every Cobbles Customer This Weekend Had Their Own Teeth

30th October 2017

There was a real sense of stunned astonishment this weekend after Cobbles confirmed to the media that every single one of their customers this weekend had their own teeth. The local gathering place for desperate farmers and horny housewives is usually a dentist’s wet-dream with the vast majority of its customers carrying their teeth in […]

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Newry Granny Not Dead After Appearing On Facebook Profile Pic

30th October 2017

A group of concerned senior citizens have called an emergency meeting today at the Canal Court Hotel to discuss an on-going Facebook problem we can reveal. The Newry Senior Citizens group have called on their grandchildren to stop putting them on their Facebook profile photos only after they die. One brave granny told Newry Spud: […]

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Broomsticks Sold Out As Newry Women Prepare For Halloween

30th October 2017

There is a chronic shortage of broomsticks in the Newry district with all of the regions women getting ready for Halloween we can confirm. Even though 99% of Newry women are witches every day of the year tomorrow is the only day they can express their true selves without breaking cover. We spoke with one […]

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Casey To Mediate Spanish-Catalan Talks

28th October 2017

Sinn Féin’s Charlie Casey is to fly into Barcelona today to help facilitate talks between the Spanish and Catalan governments we can reveal. Casey who is seen as something as a Svangeli type figure within Republican circles told Newry Spud: “Catalan leader Carles Puigdemont WhatsApped me to ask if I could come over to put […]

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‘Fed Up’ Newry Woman Takes To Facebook To Vent

26th October 2017

A ‘fed up’ Newry woman who has ‘had enough’ of all the drama in her life has taken to Facebook to let her 267 friends know about her plight. Joanne Attention-Whore who thrives on other people’s misery told Newry Spud: “I am so pissed off with life, even though I’ve a job, parents who love […]

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Newry Man Hits All Time Low As Friar Tucks Worker Knows His Order By Heart

26th October 2017

A Newry man has hit an all time low today when the Friar Tucks worker asked if he was having ‘the usual’ we can reveal. John Fatspatrick who visits the popular Newry restaurant at least 9 times a week spoke to us about his pride yet shame. “I called in for my usual FT chicken […]

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Newry Woman Ignores Warnings And Puts Clothes On The Line

16th October 2017

A Newry woman has defied professional advice from all weather agencies on the planet and has insisted she’s still going to put her clothes out on the line today. The 62 year-old is determined not to waste the ‘good breeze’ in order to get her washing dried out on the line in the back garden. […]

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Camlough Man Goes From ‘Hunk’ To ‘Chick’

15th October 2017

A Camlough based Personal Trainer has gone from ‘Hunk’ to ‘Chick’ in an extraordinary sex change transformation we can reveal. The brave man/woman…thing, Emmet Murtagh who now wants to be known as ‘Emma’ once had a high flying role within the Est.28 gym (Click here to visit them) but has now decided to leave it […]

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Local Republican Group Call For ‘Burqa Covering Faces’ Ban

15th October 2017

A local Republican group has held a press conference today to lend their support to the banning of Muslim women wearing the Burqa we can reveal. The group claimed the covering of faces was a ‘violation to the safety and wellbeing of the wider community’ and claimed it should never be appropriate to do so […]

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Mystery Illness Makes Newry Boy’s Right Arm 5 Times Average Size

15th October 2017

A ‘heartbroken’ Newry mother has reached out to the community for help in finding a cure for her son’s ‘affliction’ we can reveal. Claire Bates has said her teenage son Micky has developed a massive right arm in comparison to his normal sized left hand causing her to wonder what could be wrong. Mrs Bates […]

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