Month: September 2017

Friar Tucks Rename Chicken Burger To ‘Fucking Slaw Bomb’

30th September 2017

One of Newry’s best known Chicken Burgers are to get a new name Friar Tucks have told Newry Spud. The infamous Chicken Burger with coleslaw that has become a firm favourite of the masses in Newry will be now called ‘Fucking Slaw Bomb’. A spokesman for Friar Tucks told us: “The old name of a […]

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Crossmaglen Fein To Debut New Hairstyle At Cobbles Tonight

30th September 2017

A Crossmaglen Fein is to debut his new haircut tonight in Cobbles he has declared. Seamus Dung-Dealers a 19 year old farming enthusiast has thought long and hard about his new ‘fresh as fuck’ haircut that is a modern take on the classic 80’s mullet. Seamus spoke to Newry Spud from some hay shed or […]

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Mourne Country Hotel Open ‘Hugh Hefner Suite’ For Affairs Only

30th September 2017

A Newry Hotel have announced plans to open up a new suite in memory of Hugh Hefner that they are naming ‘Hef’s Playboy Suite’ that will be available to the usual clientele of married people having affairs. The Mourne Country Hotel situated on the Belfast Road will charge not by the night but by the […]

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Newry Men ‘Torn’ Over Timing Of ‘Sober October’

30th September 2017

Men across Newry are torn between doing ‘Sober October’ but starting a day late on Monday the 2nd so they can get an extra day of drinking in. Sober October a fundraising initiative from MacMillan Cancer is one of the most popular fundraising events throughout the year but this year’s timing has many Newry folks […]

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Absolute Madman Eats Out Of ‘Tasty Chinese’ Voluntarily

29th September 2017

An absolute fucking mad man has taken his life in his own hands this evening by voluntarily chosen to eat out of ‘Tasty Chinese’ on Sugar Island we can reveal. The restaurant that is named ‘Tasty’ with a massive dose of irony is one that only crazy people or kamikaze pilots from a Second World […]

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PSNI Called To Primark As Grannies Fight Over Last Pair Of Knickers

29th September 2017

There were scenes of sheer pandemonium in Newry’s Primark in the Buttercrane today when a fight broke out between what the PSNI have described as ‘8-11 pensioners’ fighting over the last pair of ‘Granny Knickers’. It happened at approximately 2pm when the riot began in the female underwear department say Police. A PSNI spokeswoman told […]

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Newry Café Mogul To Appear On BBC The Apprentice 2017

29th September 2017

Newry Café mogul Lianne McCooey has been selected as one of the 18 entrepreneurial masterminds to take part in the BBC One Show ‘The Apprentice’ airing on Wednesday. McCooey has been going through what she described as an ‘exhaustive process’ to be selected as the Apprentice of 2017 as she hopes to go a step further […]

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Bessbrook To Get First ‘Kickers’ Jumper – HUGE Crowds Expected

29th September 2017

There are huge crowds expected today in Bessbrook with the news that a local resident has bought a Kickers jumper from 1997. The news that a piece of clothing from the 90’s is to reach the somewhat backwards little hovel has spread like wildfire causing some locals to be hospitalised. Bessbrook Lady Mayoress Mary Edgar […]

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Newry Woman Wins Business Award For ‘Diddy Sling’ Invention

28th September 2017

A surprising yet very deserving businesswoman won tonight’s Newry Business Award for innovation at the glitzy knees up and back slapping exercise in the Canal Court Hotel. Joanne Flabber-Waps swept all competition aside with her amazing ‘Diddy Sling’ that she created for women who like herself have the added option of ‘tying their breasts around […]

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PSNI Smash Cocaine Ring At Newry’s Ardmaine Care Home

28th September 2017

A massive cocaine ring has been smashed in Newry we can reveal. PSNI raided several rooms in Ardmaine Care Home on the Fullerton Road today at 2:30pm smashing what is thought to be ‘A Significant Drugs Ring’. A PSNI detective in charge of the raid told Newry Spud: “We heard that some of the pensioners […]

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