Month: January 2017

Food Network Sign McCooey’s Café To New Reality TV Series

31st January 2017

A new food TV show is mainly going to consist of local Café owner Lianne McCooey making hilarious social media videos we can reveal. Food Network UK who have commissioned the series that will start filming in March have said they are ‘excited’ and ‘proud’ to have signed the deal with the Newtonhamilton business owner/comedienne. […]

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Absolute Banter Merchant Asks The Lads To ‘Smell My Fingers’ After Eating Scampi Fries

30th January 2017

An absolute banter merchant from Newry still can’t help asking the lads to smell his fingers after eating a bag of scampi fries we can reveal. Chrissy Fern a man with an IQ of a garden pea pulls the same joke every fucking time he eats a bag of scampi fries and according to his friends […]

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Teleperformance Introduce 1-3pm Siesta For All Staff

30th January 2017

Newry’s Teleperformance call centre has said they are to introduce a 1pm to 3pm ‘Siesta’ for all their staff we can reveal. The plan has been warmly welcomed by both staff and Unions alike and is said to be the first of its type ever on the island of Ireland. Staff will now be able […]

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La Dolce Vita Launch The Deep Fried ‘Holy Mary, Mother Of God’ Pizza

30th January 2017

A Newry pizza spot has come under pressure from health officials after launching their ‘Holy Mary, Mother of God’ pizza that consists of a double cheese based pizza deep fried in chicken fat. A Daisy Hill Hospital spokesman has called La Dolce Vita’s new dish ‘crazy’ and ‘irresponsible’ after several customers have had several strokes, […]

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President Trump Bans Derrybeg, Barcroft, Parkhead and Meadow Residents Entering America

29th January 2017

A protest is planned for Newry city centre tomorrow at 1pm over Donald Trump’s executive order banning not only several Muslim majority countries from entering the USA but any resident of Derrybeg, Barcroft, Parkhead and the Meadow. President Trump was speaking to news network CNN last night and he said: “While we are placing this […]

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Newry Man Suffering ‘Exhaustion’ After Sucking Belly In All Night In Cobbles

29th January 2017

A Newry man is relaxing in bed today after suffering from exhaustion because of sucking in his beer belly all night last night in Cobbles we can reveal. Wobbles McGee from Newry claims he ‘put on a few pound over Christmas’ without once acknowledging he was severely obese since he was 11 years-old. A close […]

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Derrybeg Community Association Start Marijuana Growing Collective

28th January 2017

The Derrybeg Community Association has released plans of a new garden allotment initiative that is to both serve the community recreationally and financially they have said. The allotments are allocated to those within the community to grow marijuana that will be sold on the streets of Newry to fund other community initiatives in the Derrybeg […]

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South Armagh Lads Out In Newry Claim To Be From ‘God’s Country’ Despite Being From A Living Shit Hole

28th January 2017

A group of lads from south Armagh who went to Newry last night said they are from ‘God’s Country’ about 12,000 times despite the fact they are clearly from a living hell shit hole. The lads from Cullyhanna, Crossmaglen and Silverbridge made the short journey into the civilised world of Newry for a night out […]

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Newry Sinn Féin Begin Construction On Murphy Camlough Mountain Monument

28th January 2017

Newry & Armagh Sinn Féin has started construction on a permanent monument for Conor Murphy on Camlough Mountain in a similar style to that of Mount Rushmore in South Dakota. The new monument is said to send a message to Sinn Féin after Mr Murphy lost out on the leadership of the party in the […]

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Daisy Hill Come Under Fire After Carrying Out ‘Men’s Diddies’ Operations

27th January 2017

Daisy Hill Hospital has come under fire after offering men ‘Diddie Operations’ we can sensationally reveal tonight. Newry Spud has obtained figures from a Freedom of Information request that shows since March 2016 to the present day 29 operations have been carried out using NHS funds. A Daisy Hill spokesman told us: “Newry is full […]

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