Month: December 2016

Council’s New Year Resolution ‘To Go One Month Without Fucking Up’ In 2017

31st December 2016

Newry Mourne & Down District Council have announced that their New Year’s resolution is to go through one month in 2017 without fucking things up they have said. The Council that is well known for their many gaffs, economic mismanagement and general incompetence is thought to stand no chance in succeeding in their ambitious plan. […]

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Newry Woman Spent 2 Days Drafting ‘New Year, New Me’ Facebook Post

31st December 2016

A Newry woman has been busy this past two days and nights drafting her ‘New Year, New Me’ Facebook post we can reveal. Lisa Fatspatrick has been mulling over her annual statement that she will post around 7pm tonight to let people know of her plans for weight loss, not to be taken for granted […]

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Slab Murphy Receives CBE In Queen’s New Years Honours List

31st December 2016

One of the biggest surprises in The Queen’s New Year’s honours list has been veteran Irish Republican Slab Murphy we can reveal. The Irish Republican has been awarded a CBE (Commander of the Order of the British Empire) for his work in cross community relations. Mr Murphy told Newry Spud: “I was shocked when I […]

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Miley & Biddy From Glenroe Take Over Lease At Armagh-Down Pub

30th December 2016

Miley and Biddy Byrne from Glenroe have moved to Newry to take over a local pub they have said. Miley who is known for being a randy devil who is always looking his next ride and Biddy, the decent sort of yoke who does what she’s towl have taken over the lease of the Armagh-Down […]

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Culloville Astronauts Launch ‘South Armagh Space Programme’

30th December 2016

An ambitious gang of men from Culloville have started south Armagh’s first ever space programme we can reveal. The men who have a keen interest in space travel have created what they believe is the first ever Irish made propulsion system that will get a south Armagh astronaut into outer space. Chief engineer Feardia Farrell […]

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South Down Farmer ‘Shocked’ After Two Prize Bulls Found To Be Gay

30th December 2016

An investigation is underway in south Down after two gay bulls where observed having relations in a field in Saval we can reveal. The two animals where spotted by a shocked passer-by who called the farmer who owned the field who promptly separated the two beasts. We spoke with the farmer Micky Waterboots who said: […]

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Newry 4 Year Old Vows To ‘Keep Fighting’ After A 30 Minute Sentence On ‘Naughty Step’

30th December 2016

A 4 year old child from Newry has vowed to remain positive and committed to causing his Ma grief after being sentenced to an unprecedented 30 minutes on the ‘naughty step’ he has said. Jack WeeShite from Newry was put on the naughty step after calling his Ma a ‘Bitch’ when she turned over his favourite […]

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Newry Pubs To Give IQ Test Before Serving Drink

30th December 2016

Local pubs in the Newry area are to give a cursory IQ test to customers before serving them alcohol it has been revealed. The move comes after an alarming rise in the number of absolute cock-wombles drinking in the Newry area. A spokesman for Newry publicans told Newry Spud: “We feel we have no other […]

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Newry Council Put Banjo & Big O In Bubble Wrap Until 2016 Is Over

29th December 2016

Newry Mourne & Down District Council has taken the extraordinary step to hide local comedian Big O & Mountain climber Banjo Bannon in a secret location wrapped in cotton wool and bubble wrap until 2016 is over they have said. After the year that has seen many celebrity deaths the local council said they ‘aren’t […]

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Newry Mom Emptying Dildo Batteries For Christmas Toys Already

29th December 2016

A Newry mother of 3 young children has spoken out about having to take the batteries out of her vibrator already to put in some of the Christmas toys she bought for her children. Betty Drizzler from Derrybeg expressed her awful situation she found herself in today as she told Newry Spud: “I got loads […]

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