Month: October 2016

Shock As Newry City Runners Forget To Post Dublin Marathon Photos

31st October 2016

There was confusion, shock and dismay this morning as Newry woke up to no photographs of athletes from Newry City Runners with their medals for taking part in the Dublin Marathon which took place yesterday it has been revealed. The athletes from the club are infamous for posting a photograph of every minor achievement; one […]

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Shock As Crossmaglen Man Goes 11 Minutes Without Referencing He’s From Crossmaglen

28th October 2016

There was jubilation in Newry today after Crossmaglen native Peader MuckyBoots went 11 minutes without mentioning the fact that he’s from Crossmaglen. The event happened when Peader met a group of Newry friends for lunch in Bellini’s. One onlooker told us: “Whenever Peader meets us we have to endure the relentless shite about him being […]

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Sperm Bank To Open In Newry To Be ‘Busiest In Europe’

28th October 2016

A New sperm bank is to open in Newry we can reveal. The state of the art facility on Hill Street is predicted to be the busiest sperm bank in Western Europe. We spoke with the owners of the new facility to be named ‘Newry Wank Bank’ who told us: “We heard about this place […]

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Newry ‘The Apprentice’ Star Refuses To Call Alan Sugar A ‘Lord’

28th October 2016

The south Armagh woman in the BBC’s flagship programme The Apprentice is at the centre of a controversy we can reveal. Dromintee woman Grainne McCoy has refused to call Lord Alan Sugar by his title of ‘Lord’ causing embarrassment and controversy for the producers of the show. But Ms McCoy spoke to Newry Spud this […]

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Newry Coffee War’s Lead To Arrest in Dramatic Scenes On Hill Street

27th October 2016

In another dramatic twist in the ‘Coffee Wars’ in Newry Lianne McCooey was arrested outside the Cathedral we can reveal. Ms McCooey was just coming out of the chapel where she leads a daily lunchtime Rosary prayer group when she saw a motorbike PSNI patrol waiting for her outside the Cathedral. In dramatic scenes a […]

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Sunray Bakery Fined After Gay Wedding Cake ‘Not Fabulous Enough’

27th October 2016

Sunray Home Bakeries in Newry have been fined by a local gay couple after the wedding cake they made was deemed ‘not fabulous enough’ we can reveal. John and Peter DeepHole made the complaint after the cake was delivered 2 days before their wedding last Thursday. The couple spoke to Newry Spud and said: “We […]

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Warrenpoint To Be Levelled To Make Way For New Airport

27th October 2016

The Newry area is to have a new airport we can reveal. The airport will be where Warrenpoint stands today said the Department of Infrastructure in a statement. We spoke with Council Chairperson Gillian Fitzpatrick who told us: “I am proud to announce that we are going to level Warrenpoint to make way for a […]

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Pat McGinn Begins New Role As Corbyn’s Irish Affairs Spokeman

26th October 2016

Ex-Mayor of Newry and Armagh Pat McGinn is to take up a new post as Jeremy Corbyn’s spokesman on Northern Irish affairs he has said today. McGinn whose son Conor is a prominent anti-Corbyn MP has yet to release a tweet about his father’s new role but inside sources have claimed he is ever so […]

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Coffee Wars Erupt After Clash In Newry

26th October 2016

The clash of the coffee titans is set to erupt in Newry it has been revealed. Over the past three months tensions have been rising between the two coffee house giants in Newry ‘Grounded’ & ‘McCooey’s’ with either side backing down. Grounded have spoken of their distain of McCooey’s attempts to garner public support by […]

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Newry ‘World Leader In New Cases Of Gonorrhea’ Says Study

25th October 2016

In a disturbing new report by the World Health Organisation released today, Newry is revealed to have the highest numbers of gonorrhoea sufferers on the planet. Gonorrhoea which is a sexual transmitted disease better known as ‘the clap’ is rife in the small city with 1 in 3 residents carrying the disgusting disease. We spoke […]

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