Newry ‘Ugliest City In the World’ Says Study

Newry is refusing to accept it is possibly the ugliest city in the world, despite evidence suggesting otherwise. The roots of the Ugly Tree have been traced all the way back to Barcroft this week, after global dating website ranked Newry men and women among the least attractive people on the planet. Only 11 per […]

Armagh Manager Calls In Rapper Jay-Z For Laois Replay

After the substitute debacle in the first game, Armagh has been awarded a second bite of the cherry against Laois in the All Ireland qualifiers. However Armagh manager and demigod Kieran McGeeney has a secret weapon up his sleeve in the guise of American billionaire rapper and record label mogul Jay-Z. The replay on the […]

All Pensioners Banned From Newry City Centre

All Newry pensioners are to be banned from the city centre – because they smell of cats and piss it has been revealed today. The Newry, Mourne & Down District Council has obtained blanket ASBOs that prevent anybody aged 65 or over from entering Newry city centre from 7am to 9pm. Anyone breaching the order […]

Donald Trump Visits Newry Hair Salon For ‘Up Style’

American Presidential candidate and possible 45th President of the United States Donald Trump has secretly visited Newry yesterday we can reveal. Mr Trump was in the area to get a new up style by the talented staff at ‘Bad Hair Day’ and meet with local political leaders. Bad Hair Day owner and senior stylist Michelle McGovern […]