Facebook To Open Gym In Newry

Newry is set to become the first city to open a gym it has been sensationally revealed today. Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg said, “Newry people are on Facebook at the gym, their status updates are about being at the gym, so it makes perfect sense to have a Facebook gym. Then they can post their […]

Newry Canal Tests Positive For Traces Of Water

After years of industrial and agricultural toxins along with shopping trolleys being dumped in the Newry Canal the Northern Ireland Environment Agency released encouraging test results this week indicating that the Newry Canal is once again showing trace levels of water. Sources say the dilution of the toxins was aided by plentiful pre-existing river pollutants […]

Newry Women Demand Hotter Criminals

Newry’s female population has asked local criminals to pay more attention to their appearance, after it was revealed south Armagh’s criminals are considerably hotter. “When I’m being robbed or held at knife point, it’s disappointing to have to contend with scruffy, spotty tramps with an ill-defined jaw,” Mourneview Park woman Lisa Smith said today, asking […]