Month: January 2016

Jihadi Paddy Seen Putting Shariah Law Stickers Up Around Newry

31st January 2016

After holding Savages shop hostage 3 weeks ago, ‘Jihadi Paddy’ has been released from Magaberry prison on a legal technicality and has been seen putting pro-Islamic stickers up around Newry. The stickers which claim that Newry is now under Shariah Law has been met with worry as people are now expected to see their civil […]

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Newry Heat Of ‘Ireland’s Next Top Model’ To Be Held In Canal Court Hotel On 12th February

30th January 2016

The Newry heat of the new RTE show ‘Ireland’s Next Top Model’ is to be held in the Canal Court Hotel on Friday the 12th February. The local talent on offer is said to be the finest display of women Newry has ever seen with beautiful looking women from all over south Armagh and south […]

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Independent Councillor Kevin McAteer’s Image To Appear On Every Holy Communion Wafer Until After Elections

29th January 2016

Local Independent Councillor Kevin McAteer’s image will now appear in all local Chapel’s Holy Communion wafers it has emerged. After this week announcing that he will donate his council earnings to charity the local Independent politician had a Skype meeting with the Pope who was so impressed my McAteer’s act of charity that he instructed […]

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56 Year Old Parkhead Man Get’s Married To Himself

29th January 2016

56 year old Parkhead man Peader Feehan is the first person in Ireland to marry himself it has emerged. Feehan who has been in love with himself since first discovering masturbation was married on Wednesday in St Brigid’s chapel in an emotional and moving service. Mr Feehan was given away by his elderly father who […]

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Local Woman Still Beached At Warrenpoint

29th January 2016

Hundreds of volunteers have been working round the clock to safely remove a beached 49-year-old woman from Warrenpoint Beach this afternoon, it has emerged. Discovered this morning, some fear the large female could have been there since October, but remained undiscovered due to the lack of people who visit Warrenpoint nowadays. “It’s such a shame when […]

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Newry Woman’s Fanny Like A Wizard’s Sleeve After Giving Birth To Octuplets – Report

28th January 2016

A Newry woman has given birth to octuplets (That’s EIGHT) babies without the aid of a C Section leaving doctors both amazed and slightly amused. The woman who wishes to remain anonymous said that she always wanted a natural birth and refused all advice of medical staff at Daisy Hill Hospital who advised it would […]

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Newry Man ‘Friend-Zoned’

28th January 2016

Twenty-two-year-old Colm Kearns, a local retail worker, thought he was in for a light, romantic evening when he was suddenly shot down and ‘Friend-Zoned’ by his crush. Kearns survived but is in emotionally critical condition. The incident happened last night around 8pm Sources say Kearns was on his way home from work when he decided to profess his love […]

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Newry Motorists Left In Shock As Cyclist Stops At A Red Light

27th January 2016

Motorists in Newry were stunned yesterday when a cyclist stopped at a red light. Drivers queuing on Sugar Island were so shocked that they failed to notice that the lights had turned to green. One motorist, who didn’t want to be named, told Newry Spud: “I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. This […]

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Council Offices Evacuated After Councilor Willie Clarke Lets Off an ‘Egg & Onion’ Fart

27th January 2016

The recent meeting of Newry, Mourne & Down Council was evacuated this week after one of its Councillor’s let off an ‘Egg & Onion’ fart it has emerged. A Council spokesman confirmed that the office had been fully evacuated after workers were left struggling to breathe. The PSNI have arrested a 49 year old man […]

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Newry Cathedral To Install USB Phone Chargers In Seats

27th January 2016

The Newry Cathedral announced during service last Sunday that they will be installing USB ports in their seats so that parishioners can charge their phones while attending Mass. Bishop Fr John McAreavey explained that with people bringing their phones everywhere, the church is showing that they’re relevant and accepting of modern times. He added that with declining numbers of people attending church, the […]

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