South Armagh Men Hold Vigil For Lost Dealer Boots In Primark Fire

29th August 2018

A bus full of south Armagh men left Crossmaglen this morning to travel to the site of the Primark building in Belfast after it was destroyed by fire. The men travelled to the site in order to hold a small candlelight vigil in honour of the ‘many Dealer Boots’ destroyed in the fire. One man […]

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Parents Across Newry Plan Orgies As Kids Go Back To School

28th August 2018

Parents all over Newry are planning on holding wild naked house parties tonight to celebrate the fact that their kids are going back to school tomorrow. Newry PSNI has been put on standby to deal with the carnage of deliriously happy parents. We spoke to some excited patents who told Newry Spud: “I CANNOT wait […]

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Warrenpoint ‘To Live In Newry’s Shadow’ Forever Say Locals

26th August 2018

Warrenpoint officials unveiled a new strategic vision for the Town today, one that aims to place Warrenpoint firmly in the shadow of its larger cousin, Newry for the foreseeable future. Independent Councillor Jarlath Tinnelly told Newry Spud: “This town has a proud tradition of dreaming big, and reaching higher, as long as those dreams are shorter than […]

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Damien Quinn To Play For Pope At Croke Park

25th August 2018

In a suprise addition to the line up of entertainers at this evening’s Festival of Families at Croke Park for the Pope’s visit, Newry singer Damien Quinn will perform for the pontiff. Quinn will join other giants of Irish music such as ‘The Priests’, Daniel O’Donnell & Nathan Carter. Damien told Newry Spud: “I was […]

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Space Satellite Finds ‘Primitive’ Life In Burren

24th August 2018

Armagh Observatory has stunned the scientific world by discovering signs of life in Burren. Before today’s extraordinary breakthrough it was believed Burren was completely sterile. Speaking at a press conference in The Canal Court Hotel scientist Paddy BlackHole said: “We’ve detected a faint orange glow near Burren, indicating hot air and possibly even methane emissions. […]

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Julie WideFlapps View Of The Week

24th August 2018

We got rehoused in Mourne View this week after getting kicked out of my old house for growing marijuana. Super excited. New Willies to ride and hopefully nobody remembers me from the great 2015 summer orgy at The Bernish. Packing boxes would sweat the shucks out of your arse. I found more dildos than Ann […]

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Bessbrook Golfer Selected For European Ryder Cup Team

23rd August 2018

A Bessbrook man is to sensationally be selected for the European Ryder Cup team after winning the Ashfield Golf Captain’s Day tournament last weekend a European golfing insider confirmed tonight. Rodney Quinn from The Green Road who has up until now had what can only be described as a ‘fledgling’ golfing career will replace county […]

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Newry Idiot Spends 3 Hours In Around-A-Pound Deciding On Which Deodorant To Buy

23rd August 2018

A Newry man has spent 2 hours and 46 minutes smelling deodorants in Around-A-Pound on Hill Street because she couldn’t decide on AXE or Insignia we can reveal. Onlookers said the 37 year-old idiot faced an almost impossible decision on which spray to buy and said he looked ‘agonised’ but finally went for the AXE […]

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Pope Turns Down Frazer Meeting Saying ‘Even I’m Not That Bat Shit Crazy’ To Meet Him

22nd August 2018

Pope Francis has said that even though he is ‘God’s representative on earth’ that even he is not that ‘bat shit’ crazy to meet with Willie Frazer after turning down and invitation to meet the Newtwonhamilton man. Pope Francis who spent years meeting and talking with members of Argentina’s military Junta said he would rather […]

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Burren Still A ‘Shit Hole’ Report Claims

20th August 2018

Burren is still an absolute pile of steaming shite it has been confirmed today. The nearby poor relation to Newry has forever been living in the shadow of its more successful neighbour but after a review last week it was confirmed that Burren is still ‘a shithole’. Newry, Mourne & Down District Council Chairperson Mark Murnin told Newry […]

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